finally, time that i can actually spend pontificating. so why is it i feel so unenthusiastic about it now, when yesterday i really wanted to write an entry but ended up sewing instead [don't ask] and it was too late anyway. but now that i have time... well, it's actually sort of late. but i don't have to be up in the morning! it's probably good i'm not going to NEFFA... it would have been fun, but just too much stress. i need the sleep, and i especially need the bumming-around time. i need alot of downtime, otherwise i go nuts. witness, the entirety of my MIT career. okay, i'm exaggerating, i actually made sure i got quite a bit of downtime. but that's because if i didn't, i'd go totally insane instead of the marginally so... i could have done a less mediocre job on classes, but i might not have finished... but, anyway.
one thing i wanted to note is that there is quite a bit of difference between stupid, pushy crushes as discussed in 4/13/01's entry and good, wholesome lust and obsession. i'm serious. but unlike yesterday, i don't really have the urge to try to explain. so i'm not going to. sufficieth to say, they're different. basically, one is unhealthy and the other is very healthy. a good lust is a sign of life! i've always found it helps me appreciate life more... just think of it as an appreciation for beauty. beauty is much more complex than some people seem to think it is.
i suppose i should also discuss last entry's question. to give some background... in high school, there were some types of music i just couldn't stand. it gave me headaches and put me in *very* bad moods. kind of like spirit week did [yes, i was one of those disgruntled types got great satisfaction from pulling off the stupid decorations the cheerleaders had put up the night before. i didn't help that the damn coloured plastic wrap they put over the lights gave me a true, physical headache -- to give the psychologically-induced headache something to latch on to] this would be the "discerning" end of the spectrum. but recently, i've been trying to be more tolerant and open-minded about these things... or to at least not care about crappy music instead of snapping snarling because of it. and i try to see why other people like it -- because some of it is very well liked [i'm also an elitist... that's part of discerning, too. but i'm not always... it's such a mess]. and i think i've sort of succeeded... and that scares me, because people without opinions are wishy-washy and boring... so, in some ways, being completely open-minded and tolerant is to because wishy-washy and boring. i mean, why waste the thread of life? and yet... enjoying more of life can usually be considered good... and spending less time and energy being annoyed and pissed off might also be considered good...
but is it actually good? this touches on the question, why is it that all the really cool, interesting people were somehow screwed up? alot of them find balance and then they're more grounded than anything [i like to believe], but why did they have to go through that torturous horrible period first? because that torturous hideousness made them think, made them self-aware, forced them to actually deal with the world? [these being fairly rare, and necessary-but-not-sufficient conditions for qualifying as a cool, interesting person, at least to me]
anyway, this seems like a good time to bring up the topic of contradication and paradox. quite frankly, i like contradiction and paradox. its existence makes something more likely to be true. it's important to accept, embrace, and deal with the fact of contradication and paradox. like being both open-minded and discerning. and being both a cynic and an idealist. and believe in both lust and control.
parting question: why must people insist upon believing [innate belief, that flash you get when it's coming from somewhere deep down within you and doesn't pass through thought or reason in between... just leaves it up to you to build up logic around it] that other people are just like them?