well. as you can see journalling has fallen a bit by the wayside. Casablanca, the Guild game i'm writing, has been ramping up and sucking alot of my free time, and especially my working-on-computer-at-home-writing time.
but i have a lot of news, and i do so like writing.
today i went to lovely filksing, which was quite comfortable, and at which i sang three songs without any practicing and felt actually okay about them all, and listened to and sang along with many other songs, and really it was just good. and somehow, i started out with a bit of a sore throat, but by the end of the day my throat felt completely fine. probably weird allergy things, is my guess.
i am hoping to explore more kinds of music stuff soon. oh, i hope i don't disappoint the people i'm going to try doing music stuff with!
so the biggest piece of news is that Chad and i have broken up. it's really really sad, but as it turns out there are just some things that you can't fix, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you hope they'll go away if you ignore them. so you just have to stop. i should also point out here that there was some stupidity involved, but it was sort of tangential. it still makes me a little mad if i dwell on it, but in general it's okay. i've almost forgiven him, i think. not quite entirely, i guess. i wish i had forgiven him entirely already, but i just don't seem to have. but it's been less than two weeks so i guess that's asking for a lot. in any case, i think i've mostly forgiven him. we're still good friends and everything. in many ways it's been a most amicable break-up. we had such a good relationship, and it seems like it's holding through to the end, which i have to admit i'm sort of proud of. there's been quite a bit of sadness, but that's to be expected. i just wish it had worked out. we were so very good together in so many ways. there are just some things, though, that you can't just ignore and are impossible to fix or get over. and well, that's okay. really sad, but okay.
i'm now curious to see whether or not i remember how to flirt, to figure out if someone is flirting with me, to fall in love... it's been a rather long time. i'm not at all sure i remember how. and i have this horrible feeling that the only people who will be interested in me are people i'm not at all interested in. but perhaps i'll be wrong. i hope so. i think it will be very interesting. i haven't been single at all since i started dating the summer before my senior year of high school. a new experience. i just wish i felt more competent at it. i used to feel competent. wah.
and i'm still having to problem that no one seems particularly attractive. or at least, attractive enough to be worth all the trouble of getting to know. or if they really might be sufficiently attractive, they're taken. it's quite frustrating. and i think that now that it's closer to my actual state, i really must stop reading so many novels about single women with gripes about dating and men and such, because it seems to cause me to think way too much like them, and it's quite irritating. no good at all.
i also think that i'd like to try dating someone not quite so steeped in the tech world or the role-playing world. i think i'd like a nice artist, or musician, or writer, or librarian or something. maybe. or maybe i'm so used to techies and role-players that i couldn't deal with someone from a different world. i don't know. it's just all sort of extremely uncertain. and maybe that's okay too.