feeling very grumpy and discontent. perhaps it has to do with the fact that my ears are sort of plugged up, with a bit of rushing sound, too. i do not like the rushing sound.
i think it's more to do with the fact that today my vacation ended. i am back in Boston. tomorrow i go back to work. it seems so abrupt. and i did not manage to do even close to everything i would have liked to. and i fucked up on the timing/calling people/scheduling end of things a couple times, and that's always annoying. i don't know. somehow, i feel more let down than everything else. like how i used to feel when my parents would have a dinner party and after everyone had gone home [or i was sent to bed] i would have this drained, sad feeling of no more fun for jenwas.
and i'm feeling kind of stressed about the days to come. work will be insane. and i'm really and truly broke. and i ate far too much while at home [and i was doing pretty poorly the couple weeks before going home, too], and i'm worried i won't be able to stop. and my schedule seems likely to continue to be insane, and i'm all worried about trying to stay in contact with people, both in Boston and in Minnesota. i just wish... oh, i don't know what i wish. i wish i could wake up tomorrow and decide what i want to do with the rest of my life and know exactly what i need to do to make it work -- and then do it.
on a slightly lighter note, i would like to say that as a counterpoint to the cradle-robbing speculation from a few entries ago, i was attracted to a man literally twice my age while in Minnesota. admittedly, at the time, i didn't think he was quite that old, but i don't think knowing his exact age would have made any difference, really. the attraction came to basically naught, except that i did briefly end up crashing a party i wasn't supposed to be at, which was a new and rather fascinating experience for me. really all for the best that i'm not so much the party girl type -- or that at least, i wasn't feeling up to being the party girl type last weekend. in conclusion, it's rather nice when an author whose work you really like and respect and want to read more of turns out to be a darling.
meanwhile, i have just finished reading [my happy new copy -- signed with a sweet inscription to me by the man himself -- who, i might add, was amazing to meet and watch and hear speak in person -- it made me want to read his books [well, the ones i haven't yet read, obviously] even more than i already did, which was a considerable amount -- the best word i can think of to describe how perfect he was is "consistent."] _White Apples_ by Jonathan Carroll. i love my inscription, but i love it all the more because of the inscription he wrote in the copy of _Bones of the Moon_ that i asked him to sign for my friend Sarah -- the most perfect inscription ever.
of course, i have this huge stack of books that i have not yet unpacked from my luggage, staring at me, much of it wanting to be read approximately right now. it's nice to be back to the first tier of books i want to read, as i had been starting to slip into the second tier, which, while often very rewarding, it not always as fun.
okay, the rushing sound in my head is getting louder and my eyes are starting to feel strange. i think i will take that as a sign that i should go to bed.
p.s. the Future Bible Heroes were lovely in concert. pure wonderment. i found Claudia Gonson especially endearing, but really, they were all just fabulous.