so i'm violating my policy again. it's actually only 3 am or so on the 21st, which normally would make it the 20th, but i already have a 7/20/01 entry, and i really feel the need to rant.
you know what, i'm tired of this. i'm tired of it. i want real friends. what happened to people who are real friends? who you care about, who you keep up with? i mean, some of it is certainly my fault, all those people in different cities i really need to email, really want to email, really should have emailed weeks and in some cases months ago. maybe it's me. maybe i'm just too selfish a person, maybe i've just forgotten how to truly be someone's friend. but god damn it, i do try, sometimes. keeping out of touch, that's one story. but on the real-life actually-in-the-same-city front, it's just as bad, if not worse. i mean, i really like the people i live with. but the only times i ever really see them is occasionally when i manage to make it home, or if i call them and see if they want to join Chad and i for dinner or something. and i have friends, people i've known for years. and they're finally in the same city, and yet somehow we never seem to see each other. with one of these friends, we make plans to do something, and she breaks them. often at the last minute. after other friends and i have switched around our plans to accomodate her wishes. i mean, fuck. i know her life is stressful in other ways, but it's not as if my time and energy means nothing. most of the time, i'm understanding. i know what it feels like to be stressed out. i do understand the existence of priorities. but it's really starting to get to me.
someone else i know just started a new job that's stressing him out. for good reasons, too. and i don't expect to see him that much. i haven't been. that's okay, that's fine. but a friend of ours who used to live around here but recently moved all the way across the country is in town for the weekend. where is this guy? too tired, lounging at home, going to other people's parties (incidentally, blowing off my boyfriend's roleplaying game which he had already committed to going to, in which the friend who is in town for the weekend was going to play)... he may not go with us on a trip we've been planning for about a year, due to being hosed at work. and the thing is, it makes sense. work is important. i can appreciate this. and i feel bad, because it's certainly true he hasn't figured out how to rearrange his priorities so he can more efficiently do the things he wants to do -- which is a tough thing, definitely. but he keeps saying he'll do things... but then when push comes to shove he doesn't. it's frustrating. truly frustrating.
now, these two people have a pattern, and it's a frustrating pattern for me, but in the end, it's okay. because they have real-life, real priority issues. people get stressed. it happens. and part of being friends with people is being flexible when you can. and right now, i can. a little over a year ago, when i was writing my thesis, i couldn't. it's how things go. i know it's at least somewhat foolish and hypocritical to wish that the effort i'm putting in now might actually matter. and yet. but for those two, it's okay. it makes sense, it's all good. but for some of the other people who could be considered friends? they don't have such good excuses. and you get really tempted to just say fuck you. i'm not going to put any more effort into this. it's just not worth it.
but then you wonder, are they feeling the same way? is it like the doing-the-dishes problem, where if there are N people, and each person does an N+1th share of the dishes, they all feel like they're doing more than their share of the dishes and yet the dishes never seem to get completely done and so they blame the other N-1 people? maybe i am being totally hypocritical. i'm sure there's some hypocrisy in there. i'm sure that at times i've been the one to be lame, to bow out, to not reciprocate. can i really blame people for not meeting me halfway when i actually manage to try? i don't know.
god, what pitiful entries were today's. funny thing is, i actually had a reasonably good day. there were just a larger-than-average number of serious-thought moments thrown in there.
i feel like such a bitch sometimes. and part of me wants to take this back, to not show the world [well, the small section of world that may ever read this] this horrid, vicious, bitter side of me. and yet... the feelings are there. they're worth exploring. and writing things down has always been my preferred method of sorting out what's in my head. it's not so much that i really-and-truly feel the way i'm expressing myself. it's that the emotions and thoughts involved are complicated, and that this is the most unusual/interesting part. so it's worth talking about, as freely as i can stand. i do feel better about it all now, at least.
except that, the more i think about it, the more pathetic i think this all sounds. why don't people care enough about me to make any effort? maybe it's because i didn't/don't care enough about them. that seems like the most likely reason. or maybe it's because i know a bunch of selfish bastards, which is certainly at least partially true. but then, i've always kinda liked selfish bastards. argh. i hate feeling pathetic. i tend to have very little sympathy for pathetic, in general. not *no* sympathy, but less than most people seem to.
i can see how people get wrapped up in their Relationships with a capital R. especially the monogamous ones. the planning for two people is just so much simpler. and keeping up -- truly keeping up -- is so much easier for one person than for several. and for the connection to always be there, to be sure that you are one of the most important things in someone's life, it's empowering. [god, i can't believe i just used the word empowering.] but i've also always been a firm believer in having more than just that one Relationship, y'know? friendships are important to me... they still are, even the ones that aren't currently what i'd call active. but how is important really-and-truly measured? in the actions. in what you make time for, in what you actually do. and, quite frankly, it seems to me that most of the people i know are making these decision not by what they think is important, but by what is convenient for them at the time. me included, mind you. somehow, it doesn't feel good to me. and yet, there doesn't seem to be bloody thing that gets through to me about it. and if i can't get through to me, how can i possibly expect to get through to other people?
okay, i think with that last paragraph i've degenerated into incoherency. less bitchy, but definitely more incoherent.
love to all.
somehow, that seems like the right thing to say after a rant like that. because, despite it all, i still want to love everything as hard as i can. maybe it doesn't make it all better. but i still want it out there. love to all. we can hope, eh?
moving from bitchy to trite. damn, i wonder about myself sometimes.
hrm. i'd also like to add a note about language. i am writing the way i speak. i don't want to censor myself. and while it's a nice theory that someone who resorts to swearing just isn't creative or talented enough to come up with a better way to say it, the theory is mostly bullshit. [i say mostly because if all you say is swear words, then i think they lose their impact and it actually might be a lack of creativity or whatever... *might*] just watch the first few minutes of the movie _Four Wedding and a Funeral_ to understand just how much a swear word can speak. swear words are interesting *because* they still shock some people. and often, because of the inherent satisfaction in the syllables. fact is, they are concise and realistic ways of expressiong oneself. it is possible to talk around them, to make up euphimisms, but why bother? it's bullshit. to make pathetic people feel better. it's made-up, artificial, and shallow. it's absurd. well, okay. i'm coming it a little too strong here, to make a point. i understand why some people do the whole propriety thing. it is definitely not acceptable for people to use swearwords in lieu of explaining what is actually wrong. they should not contribute to a breakdown in communication. but using them to assist communication just seems right to me. but then, i'm still an idealist sometimes, what can you do.