so i'm violating my usual rule. normally this would still be a 7/8/01 entry, because even though it is officially 7/9/01, it's 1 am and so truly belongs to 7/8/01. but since i already have a 7/8/01 entry, i figure, what the hell. so i'm calling this the 7/9/01 entry. i don't know what i'm going to do if i feel the need to write another entry tomorrow... that is, today. i guess entry-ing is like sex. the more you do it the more you want to keep doing it.
anyway, i just watched _Keeping the Faith_, which turned out to be a fucking kickass movie. Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman were excellent, as was the rest of the supporting cast. but i gotta say, i think i love Edward Norton. i really do. i mean love in the most shallow, frivolous sense, of course. but still. i mean, i don't usually go for pathetic. at all. but something about Edward Norton. between this and _Fight Club_... man. he was also fabulous in _Primal Fear_. i never got around to seeing _American History X_, but i always meant to. i really should. Chad really liked it, iirc. tomorrow night i plan to watch all the audio commentary version and all the cut-scenes. i'm exerting much self-control, not watching them all right now. but i really wanted to write this entry, and besides, i should try to get in early-ish tomorrow. and it's already 1 am, gah.
thing is, the movie reminded me about a part of myself and my past which i haven't thought about for awhile... an old, old story. and a not quite as old story, which is still pretty old at this point. it's something i don't think anyone who hasn't experienced this could really understand. the strength it takes, the hurt and the heartache, the difficulty, the strange beauty, the courage and sacrifice and in no small measure the cop-out -- of being the one who is the friend, who gives the blessing, who does not pursue his or her interest. it's all mixed together. it's harder... and easier. it hurts like fucking hell, but you know in the end it's the best thing. it's selfless, at the surface -- but it's also selfish, in a way, because it's morally the cleanest role. i've done it twice. and i feel like some people don't believe it's really possible. that it's a fairy-tale response. that what Ed Norton's character did in the movie was not at all something that could happen in reality. but it totally is. it really really is. i've done it. i know how it feels.
i was once in love with someone who i would have had a chance with if he hadn't been years-deep in a long-term relationship with someone i really liked and respected. that was the second time, the clear-cut case, the case that hurt so much it's not even funny, the case that i had to truly deliberately walk away from. my most memorable kiss was not-kissing that person. i still almost regret that not-kiss. but only almost.
the first time was much more confused. i really really liked this person.
alot. we made out in the grass outside of the Minnesota Zoo. this was part
of that wacky summer before i went to college. possibly the wackiest summer
of my life. the case mentioned above was part of my freshman year of college.
definitely the wackiest year of my life, relationship-wise, *especially* if you
include the summers before and after. anyway. so i really really liked him.
he's still why the smell of cigarettes in leather makes me hungry. mmm. but
he also, at approximately exactly the same time, started seeing more of a
friend/acquaintance of mine. this all happens in the course of maybe one or
two weeks. i spent the entirety of our first meeting deliberately not flirting
with him -- this is how much i liked him, even before knowing him at all.
so all of this culminates in a huge, middle-of-the-night, hours and hours
long phone conversation, about him, about me, about the other girl, about
how we all want to still be friends, and it gradually becomes clear that the
stakes are such that if he chooses me, she's probably never going to forgive
either of us. in fact, it's pretty clear that she may never truly forgive
me anyway, but at least it would be nice if we could all pretend. so...
i make it such that he is totally free and it is cool if he chooses her.
guarantee i'm not pissed, we'll all still be friends, it's all cool, if he
chooses her. thing is, i still, in my heart of hearts, *want* him to choose
me, right? i'd be insane not to have some kind of vanity. and really, the
whole point of setting someone free is so that maybe they come back to you,
right? at least, emotionally. and yet... intellectually, and at least
part of me emotionally, i really truly mean what i say. and that it would
be totally easier for me if he chooses her. i mean, i already had a boyfriend
i really really liked (and in an open relationship with... but that hadn't
been truly tested... and never would be, due to the leaving for college thing),
(speaking of) i was leaving for college in a couple months, and for that matter
had always been attracted to the other girl's ex (whom i mention because
he and i end up falling head-over-fucking-heels in love with 4 frickin' days
before leaving for college, so he's definitely not ignorable, if not actually
officially in the picture at all, because i'm pretty good at denial). so,
in a torturous conversation that leaves me exhausted for school the next day
(i had alot of those conversations, of many types, torturous and estatic
among them), we decide that the two of them should go out, and we should all
be friends. so that's what happens. they go out, are really happy for awhile,
eventually it sours and they break up. i'm off at MIT by that point, and so
i never really find out the details -- not the necessarily would have known
them anyway. i and the other girl don't ever talk anymore, but that's mostly
just a natural moving-on function, and we were never really that close anyway.
i'd actually be psyched to hear from her, it would be interesting. and the
guy and i are still friends. and, quite frankly, i'd rather have a friend for
life than a passionate relationship for a shorter amount of time. and i've got
to say, i think we're much better as friends than we would have been as
lovers.
i'm not sure what the moral of that story was. sometimes it's good to be in control of your emotions? though i have to say, looking back on it sometimes i think maybe i was too much in control of my emotions. you know, not willing to take chances. not in the above situations, but in high school before that. i think i had a window of opportunity in which i could have had a relationship with the one guy in my high school i was at all even the tiniest bit interested in. [okay, there were a couple others who i probably were slightly interested in, but even less seriously. never considered as true possibilities. but the guy i'm talking about was really close to being a possibility, i think. in my head, at least. if i hadn't been such a chicken. who knows what was happening in reality. now i have this massive desire to cross-examine anyone who knew us then and find out what they thought. argh. anyway.] but i didn't really do anything about it. i barely even admitted to myself i had an interest. i think it was years before i truly admitted to myself i had an interest. and i *definitely* didn't admit it to other people. particularly at the time. which was, of course, part of the problem. because this other friend of mine wanted to like him. so of course, she has to grill me about him, and force me to say -- over and over -- that i was not at all interested in him. so she could then lay claim over liking him. talk about forcing me into a corner. because backing out on an opinion is hard to do in the first place -- and when it's such a risky opinion in the first place... and then when it would clearly be framed as a betrayal if you do back out... ugh. no way. on the other hand, maybe i'm just fooling myself and maybe i never did have a window of opportunity and maybe he was never at all interested. in which case, all this is for the best. i think.
the moral of this story is, definitely, try to have a little more courage than i did, okay? it's okay to like someone without being totally sure and having proof that they like you back. really. maybe by refusing to acknowledge your attraction, you're really missing out on something simply because neither of you are willing to make the first move. this is one of my few true regrets. and again, it's because i was a wimp. a chicken. because i didn't acknowledge how i really felt. because it was safer. thing is, there's alot to be said for safety, too. but balance is important.
there's a sort of similar situation that happened during the Christmas break of my freshman year of college, in which i kissed someone even though i really probably shouldn't have. another one of my most memorable kisses. and i really really don't regret it, despite the fact that caused great huge messes. i don't regret it at all. i guess i believe in taking some chances, seizing some moments -- because the pure beauty of that one moment...
okay, all the ways i can think of of ending that sentence are really incredibly sappy. so i just won't. it gets the point across, anyway.
right, it's nearly 2 am, and i feel like i could go on typing for a very long time, which could be very dangerous because i am clearly in an excessively sharing sort of mood. so i'd better stop. i do like reminiscing like this sometimes, though. reminds me that if nothing else, i've not had an uneventful 23 years or so.
i miss my Chad. but he comes home tomorrow, yay!
okay, now i really sound sappy.
oh boy. it just occurred to me that i forgot to talk about the other movie i just watched today, _She's All That_. with Freddie Prinze, Jr. as Mr. Bland popular-man and Rachael Leigh Cook as an outsider art freak. i had sort of been avoiding watching the movie because the premise (boy meets girl, boy takes bet to try to turn girl into prom queen, boy realises he fell for girl, girl finds out about bet, boy has to grovel to get girl back, etc) makes me want to retch. but i figured, Rachael Leigh Cook is a fellow Minnesotan, so i guess i should make an effort. and i have a soft spot for the genre in general. so. and it was actually pretty good. the only thing is, it made me realize how ridiculous and over-used this vein of plot is. popular guy actually turns out to truly nice and decent and dream-man material and recognizes that not-popular girl is wonderful. the thing is, when in real life is popular guy (who, i might add, always has the bad taste to start out dating annoying popular chick) actually truly nice and decent and dream-man material? i mean, really. and it's such a theme for these movies. look at _Sixteen Candles_. and _the Breakfast Club_. although, now that i think about it, it goes the other way too. popular girl is actually truly nice and decent and dream-girl material and recognizes that not-popular boy is wonderful. like also in the _the Breakfast Club_. and _Bring it On_. and _10 Things I Hate About You_. _Shrek_. hmm. but who's getting the good deal here? i don't know. maybe i'm just simplifying it all too much, and it's shallow of me to worry about this stuff. at this point in American civilization, it seems like *anything* is a stereotype. y'know? one thing is a stereotype, but then, so is the opposite of that thing. because action-reaction is so damned natural. everything is commentary. gah. anyway, now that i've babbled foolishly for an additional 20 minutes, maybe i'll stop now. but i have to say, watching _She's All That_ and _Keeping the Faith_ back to back really makes it clear how much of a better movie _Keeping the Faith_ is. i mean, _She's All That_ was enjoyable enough, but there really is no comparison. though _She's All That_ did also have an excellent supporting cast. though it did less with it, of course. but i did like the cast. i mean, i always like Anna Paquin. and i liked Elden Ratliff. and Gabrielle Union is always good. though it's always funny when i see her 'cause i always think of 10 Things I Hate About You, and i always always wonder when she's going to get a leading role, instead of always being a secondary-but-prominant character.
right. okay. i'm really stopping now.